Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
