I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
