I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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