He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
