Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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