There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
