The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
