remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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