We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
