Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
