You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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