Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
