I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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