Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
