I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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