Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
