Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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