Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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