I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
