you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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