I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
