Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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