Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
