what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
