I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
