Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
