I can't breathe out the right side of my face
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
