Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
