ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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