Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
