Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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