Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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