I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
