why didn't you poke me back
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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