i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
