Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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