New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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