I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i now understand why vodka
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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