i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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