why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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