Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
