Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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