I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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