Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How external is "for external use only"?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
