There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
