Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
