the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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