i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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