It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
