um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
