you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
