All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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