she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
