well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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