So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
