All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
